The Beginning of the End

Camaro Guy, Part 3

Since his choice of "Italian" food on Date # 2 was slightly disappointing, I take charge of our lunch plans for the third date. It's a bright, sunny afternoon and I happen to know this great burger & fries place located between our two towns. They have delicious salads for me, and a nice atmosphere. All is going to plan until we show up there and the hostess tells us they have no power. None. It's a total black out. She offers us the opportunity to stay for some drinks but they can't promise us they'll have food at all...

No thanks, we'll go someplace else. So where does he suggest? Applebee's. More chain food. Great.

Still, I put a smile on my face and off we go, me in my mom van and him in the Batmobile. (I was at least hoping for another ride!!!) We settle in, order, and the conversation just flows like we're old friends catching up after a while apart. He's so easy to talk to and so easy on the eyes that I find myself having a good time. I tell the little voices in my head saying "why hasn't he kissed you yet?" to shut the hell up! I sip my bottled root beer and we chat about everything.

Now, I've never been a fan of restaurants with tv's in them (See ADD guy's blog for the Red Sox disaster). So I can't help getting a little annoyed when I realize he's checking out commercials while I'm in the middle of a story. He laughs out loud and I turn to see what was so funny. It's a Family Guy commercial. Seriously???

I have this theory about men who watch Family Guy. They are usually in their late 20's, early 30's, single (and don't know why) and living in their parents' basements. Run the other way when you meet them. Trust me.

He launches into how he has spent the weekend catching up on stuff from his DVR. Family Guy, The Simpsons, South Park, the Cleveland Show, and I'm sitting there smiling politely and feigning interest. Then he can't stop gushing about all the Sci-Fi shows he loves that are on and how he met a bunch of his favorite characters at the last comic book convention he went to.

Wait, it took 3 dates for the fact to come out that you're a complete geek??? But you drive a sports car!!! How can this be???

He notices at some point that my eyes have glazed over and I'm paying more attention to my sandwich than is absolutely necessary. Sheepishly, he grabs the check and tells me I can't help pay it, it's his treat. I thank him and start counting down the seconds til I can get out of there. At that moment, his phone rings and (does this sound familiar?) and it's his Mother. In fact, his phone lights up with the words Mommy Dearest Calling which may very well be the scariest thing I've ever seen on a cell phone screen. He answers (apologetically) and says "Mom, I'll call you back, I'm out to lunch with Kimberly, that girl I was telling you about."

He told his mom about me? Awww, that's sweet. Ok, bonus points. I mouth "Tell your mom I said Happy Mother's Day." He replies, "Here, tell her yourself." AND HANDS ME THE PHONE.

What planet do these men come from? Can they not be trained in the art of dating before being set loose on the world? How about this: In college, instead of making them take stupid classes they're never going to use (like, I don't know, literature) grant them the social skills necessary to romance a woman and win her over. These skills do not include picking your teeth at the table, blowing your nose in the napkin I have to stare at for the rest of the meal, or answering phone calls right before I *almost* made a clean getaway.

She proceeds to bombard me with the Catholic mom guilt trip about how all she wants for Mother's Day is a new mattress, but not one of those crappy pillow top ones, she wants a TempurPedic mattress and could I please convince Camaro guy to buy it for her? Since he bought her a 40" flat screen tv for her birthday earlier this month, she doesn't see why he can't go the "extra mile" and get her a new bed too. Besides, she reasons, if he has the money to take me out, he certainly has the money to spring for her new sleeping arrangements.

Excuse me, but I don't think that lunch at Applebee's costs the same as a TempurPedic bed. If it did, I'm pretty sure fewer people would be eating good in the neighborhood, if you know what I mean.

I am also fairly certain that any man who buys his mother flat screen televisions and mattresses needs a therapist more than a girlfriend.

I politely (read, through gritted teeth and a phony smile) wish her a happy mother's day and tell her good luck with the whole mattress situation. I hand the phone back to her son but she's already hung up before he can say good-bye. Guess she didn't really wanna talk to him that much anyway. Just use me to advance her cause.

We walk out to the parking lot and I give him a brief hug good-bye. I don't linger in the hopes of that kiss or even angle for another date set up later in the week. I'm pretty sure the cartoons, comic books and mom call were my last straw and I can hear my own mother's words ringing in my head: NEXT!!!