When one is depressed, lonely, hurt, confused, and in all other ways pathetic, one makes rash decisions. Some people get a tattoo. Some people head out West. I re-activated my online dating profile.
This might not sound rebellious to you, but trust me, it's the thing I was dreading most in the world.
Turns out that the universe works in funny ways. For those of you who were reading this blog last summer, you will recall a certain Jewish museum curator. The one who made the mix cd's? Well he's still on OkCupid and I found him checking out my profile. Seeing as he disappeared on me not once but TWICE last year, I simply had to find out why.
And you're checking out my profile again because???
Because: I want to. I shouldn't have dropped the ball. Seeing you reminded me of the picnic, the one time I didn't screw up our dates. Let's not discuss the Italian restaurant in the shopping center. EEEEEEK! I'm curious how many cups you're up to. Life is infinitely better this year (new job, the works). I can. Hoping you're well.
I made it to 93 before falling in love with someone and moving in together. The wedding was set for a week from Tuesday.
That was until I discovered he's been cheating on me the entire time we've been dating. Hence I am back on, in the hopes of finishing my book.
PS: You didn't just "drop the ball" - you blocked me! My phone calls, my texts, my emails. You just stopped showing up one day. And when I gave you a second chance, you disappeared again. What the hell was that?
OMG, I am so very sorry. Really, been there, done that, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I hope you're ok, but I'm sure you are. You're a remarkable person, despite everything, I do think that. He's a real schmuck, to quote my people.
I know I fucked up not once, but twice, all I can really say is I was dumb. Stupid, an idiot. I shouldn't have let you go. I kept letting the cups thing bother me, and I kept not sharing my feelings with you, and disappeared instead.
I never thought I'd find you on here, much less expect you to respond. I'm glad you did. I can tell you that I've made a lot of life changes since last we spoke, in every possible way. That might make you roll your eyes, but it's true. I'd love to catch up sometime, if you're willing, and hopefully try to make the third time the charm???
Then I woke up to another message this morning...
So I checked out your blog and I read what happened. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. My heart really does go out to you. I mean that. I don't wish what you went through, to have your heart ripped out like that, on my worst enemy. Wow. I'd kick Kit's ass for you anytime, and several of my friends would as well, though I'm sure there's a long line of people wanting to do that right now.
I was engaged 8 years ago. Almost the exact same thing happened. Instead of facebook, I found cards, notes, gifts from victoria's secret, all in her underwear drawer, from someone she was sleeping with, when I was putting away laundry one night when she was out of town. This was someone I had lived with for a year, had given my life to, had asked to marry in front of strangers. Just like that, life does a 360. Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans. My point? I've been there, I know the feeling. I know the "do I really have to go back on online fucking dating websites again?" feeling. It sucks.
I just wanted you to know that, despite my two major strikes for being stupid, I very much sympathize with what happened to you. I've messed up in my life, but I've always been honest, and would never do a thing like that to you. Disappear? Yes. Cheat? Break your heart? Not a chance. We didn't know each other for long, but I did, and do, think you're a "comes along once a lifetime" type of woman. You're one of a kind. I fondly recall the long beach boardwalk, ralphs ices, a picnic at my old job, making you a cd and how every time I'd open the car door for you, you'd do the same for me while walking around to my side of the car. No one ever did that for me, and it always stuck out in my mind.
Meanwhile, now is your time. Take care of you. Do things to make you happy. Spend time with your friends, your family. You're an awesome person, this will work out. You will have a happy ending. I hated hearing this phrase when I was going through it, I hated it with a passion, but it really is true. Give it time, because with time, it will get better. I know it does. The other phrase I hated? Better you know now. That was like nails on a blackboard to me when people told me that one, but it is also true. I just had to tell you this.
You are welcome, and have my permission, to share this on your blog if you would like.
As for Kit? His loss. Pure and simple. You're beautiful, inside and out.
For more information, please read:
A Jew Grows In Brooklyn
Picnic at the Mansion