There is nothing more heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, life-changing or earth-shattering than an extremely awful break-up.
Except having to go to your little sister's bridal shower less than 48 hours post-disaster.
I am the very picture of a bad break-up. It's been two full days of tears for me. Two whole days of crying non-stop into my pillow. My poor mother has pulled her hair into a permanent ponytail trying to avoid me snotting on her shoulder. I have lost my shit more times than I care to count this weekend. The cool, calm, collected composure I try to maintain is long gone, flushed somewhere down the toilet with the sugary overdose of ice cream I puked up earlier. How in the hell am I supposed to put on a dress and act like a lady? The nightmares mean I've sweated through my hair. My ratty pajamas are sticking to me. I smell like cookie dough and depression.
Must. Move. On.
In every Cinderella story, there is a turning point, a reason for the chambermaid to become the princess she's destined to be. I don't need to be a princess today. I just don't want to look like an ugly step-sister. And I've got the perfect motivation...
My little sis Jess is the most beautiful girl you'll ever meet. First of all, she's drop dead gorgeous. If that's not enough, she's incredibly intelligent, sweet, kind, funny, generous, and the most loyal friend a gal could ask for. She's got a style all her own and carries herself with such strength and poise, I am often blown away by what an incredible young woman she's grown into. Not a day goes by that I don't recall that awkward, sporty little girl she used to be. I'm grateful to be blessed with such an amazing sister. Happier still that she found her own fairy tale ending with a lovely French man she's decided to marry.
Which is why I must now pull my sorry ass out of bed, stop hiding under the covers, and pretend to be human today. I swear, I wouldn't do it for anybody else. But my sob story shouldn't impact her day. My sadness does not take precedence over her joy. My heartbreak is no match for her happiness and I adamantly refuse to let Kit ruin one more thing for me. No. Freakin. Way.
12 Steps to Surviving a Beautiful Bridal Shower Post Traumatic Break-Up
Step 1) Get out of bed.
Step 2) Throw pj's in laundry. (Or burn them. Your choice.)
Step 3) Shower: Lather. Rinse. Repeat. (Repeat again as necessary.)
Step 4) Blow dry hair into something not resembling a rat's nest. (Check for actual rats first.)
Step 5) Discover - shockingly - that you haven't slept for 100 years (despite wanting to.) Your mascara hasn't dried up. Your foundation is still creamy. Your lip gloss still makes you feel better no matter how crappy a day you're having.
Step 6) Spanx. (To hide all the calories you've consumed post-break-up.)
Step 7) Dress. Heels. Purse. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
Step 8) Breathe. Smile. Drink a cosmo.
Step 9) Play bridal bingo. Win martini glasses. (These will come in handy later!)
Step 10) Breathe. Smile. Eat a cupcake.
Step 11) Clap for gifts. Do not cry over the Crock-Pot. Or the lingerie. Or the basket of love candles.
Step 12) Breathe. Smile. It's over. Pat self on back. Nap. Nap. Nap.