I see the heartbreak that you're going through and I'm very sorry. This sucks and you don't deserve the pain.
That being said, I hope I can enlighten you on a guy's point of view.
What happened with you wasn't cheating. It was online - not in person - and even if it was in person, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. A man can love a woman and still be with someone else. Lots of someones. To a guy, sex with another woman has nothing whatsoever to do with his spouse.
Case in point: How many pocketbooks do you have? Purses? Backpacks? Totes? Etc? Even a guesstimate will do. Get a number yet? Now why don't you only have one? Also, how many have you seen and debated buying? Tried a few on for size? It's the same with guys and women. To a man sex with the woman he loves is extremely special. It's lovemaking. Not just sex. But that doesn't stop us from wanting something else, something different, even if those others aren't our favorite.
Sex to a guy isn't about trust. Trust with a guy comes from 1 million other little things. The way a guy shows he loves you is with those 1 million little things, not just the sex. Relationships aren't easy. A big part of them is overcoming stuff together.
Get it now?
~Just a Guy
Dear Just a Guy,
Thank you for your ever insightful perspective into my relationship. Now let me tell you why you're wrong.
Pocketbooks can be bought and sold. They have no say in who takes them home, what price tags are put on them, how much they're worth. They are man made and thus have no feelings. They go out of season or get damaged or their fabric rips and you can toss them aside with nary a second thought. You can change purses every day for a year and it affects no one. If you take one purse out on Friday night and a different purse out on Saturday, the first purse won't call you wondering what she did wrong. You can put a purse down for months at a time, wipe the dust off, collect the loose change, and feel good about slinging it over your shoulder again. A shiny new purse amps up an old outfit but its value does not add to yours. A pocketbook does not make you a better person.
A woman is real. She is flesh and bone, blood and tears. She is the sum of all her loving parts. She is fragile and vulnerable and susceptible to heartbreak. She has feelings that run deep. She is generous and thoughtful and passionate and playful. She will give you everything she is, everything she has. She makes you a better version of yourself. If you ignore her, it hurts. If you betray her trust, it hurts. If you leave her for a younger, cuter, taller, thinner version of herself, it hurts. You can't put her down for days / weeks / months / years at a time and expect her not to have noticed. You can't take her out when you want and leave her home when you want and have sex with someone else whenever the fuck you want.
Women are not like purses.
Kindly call yourself an idiot. I'm tired.