Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A Whole New World

One week ago, my little sister showed me the final project for her Sign Language class. She had to sign the words to Aladdin's A Whole New World with musicality and emotion. It was so beautiful, my eyes welled up watching her. The expression in her face and hands, the fluidity of her movements, the attention to detail, the great respect she showed the song - I was overcome with joy and love and hope.

The song resonated within me and echoed there for days. My world before Kit revolved around me. My world, from the moment I laid eyes on him, revolved around us.

It was the kiss that changed everything. We'd emailed for a month, talked on the phone for a week, and been on a date for four hours before he kissed me. I was convinced that he was a fantasy, a dream, a figment of my overactive imagination. And then he kissed me. And my whole world changed.

From then on, there were simply no words to express how much I loved him. Most of you should know by now that I am not a girl who is ever lost for words. Yet I would see him and smile and nothing would come out of my mouth. I couldn't form a coherent sentence to save my life. There didn't seem to be enough language to properly express the sheer exhilaration of being his girlfriend.

I tried learning other languages, hoping that maybe one of them had a phrase I could use to tell Kit how much he meant to me, how happy he made me, how loved I felt. I wanted to say that my whole world changed the day we met, I became a happier person, more fulfilled, more optimistic. I needed new vocabulary to convey the excitement in my heart, the joy in my soul, the boundless energy coursing through my body at the mere mention of his name. The unadulterated bliss at knowing that we had started a life together, and that someday, I would be his wife.

I was lost for words when I was in love with him. I'm fucking speechless now.

"Sadness" does not do justice to my feelings today any more than "Happiness" did before. The joy in my heart has been replaced by sorrow. The exhilaration turned to grief. The smiles turned to tears. The optimism fermented into cynicism. The wonder and amazement at a hopeful world and a bright future are quite simply gone. His kiss changed my world for the better but his betrayal changed it for good.

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