Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Tao of Karaoke

There comes a point in life where you just have to say Fuck It!

These words of wisdom brought to you by the very drunk (and very hot man) whispering in my ear at the bar. He's got a few years (and a few beers) on me but is incredibly good looking. He's leaning rather intensely towards my body, so close I'm about to wobble off my bar stool. He's commending me on the merits of being brave, getting out there, doing the things that scare me most. He's reminding me that I can do anything I set my mind to, that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, that I'm a beautiful woman who didn't deserve the heartbreak I am suffering through. He's sure that I know no one in this bar and therefore, I have nothing to lose by making an ass of myself on stage singing karaoke. He's inspirational. He's motivational. He's got his hand on a blonde woman's thigh the entire time he's whispering in my ear?!?!

Go fucking figure!

***Three days earlier***

Me to Sara: Kit & I broke up. The end.
Sara: WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Me: He was cheating. The. Entire. Time.
Sara: I will murder him in his sleep! I will smash his head in with a baseball bat. He messed with the wrong woman!
Me: Not worth it. I'm going to hide under the covers til next year.
Sara: No, you're not. A) Get your ass up and blog. BLOG RIGHT NOW!!! B) Get your ass in your car and come stay with me. I mean it. Do it or when I'm done killing him, I'll hunt you down, drag your sorry butt out of bed, and bring you up to Rhode Island myself!

She followed that with a facebook message to Kit: "You don't deserve her love you piece of shit loser. I hope you crawl back under the rock you came out of, die and rot in hell."

The lesson here? Don't mess with Sara.

The girl is fiercely loyal, trustworthy, and incredibly protective of her friends and family. She's totally my bestie, but frankly, I'm a little scared of her. When I want cheese and crackers for dinner, she serves me a healthy and nutritious meal where every food group is represented. I dare not leave the vegetables on my plate for fear of her wrath. She is capable of hugging you one minute and raining down fire the next. For this, I am madly in love with her.

Sara got angry for me when I didn't have the strength to do it myself. She told Kit all the horrible, nasty things I couldn't bring myself to say. She started a viral facebook campaign saying "Kit is a Relationship Terrorist" and actually got other people to join! She's the woman you want on your side, cheering for you all the way when things go right and the fearless bitch whose shit list you pray your name never, ever ends up on.

Which is why when she told me we were going to sing karaoke at a bar, I wanted to say no and run away screaming. Then I remembered the baseball bat threat and decided that singing in front of strangers would be better than two broken knees!

This is how I ended up at a dive bar in Rhode Island at midnight on a Wednesday watching the Red Sox lose and the Yankees win their respective games. If there's one place a New Yorker shouldn't be, it's surrounded by drunk, angry Sox fans in the post-season. Fortunately, Sara was called up to the microphone for her song first and announced to the entire bar that I'd just gotten cheated on and had my heart broken. I credit this small act of kindness as the only reason I did not get my ass kicked for being a Yankee that night. I also credit this generous gesture of sisterly pride as the reason every single person after Sara got up and sang "he did me wrong" songs.

Seriously, everybody.

Out at the bar with us was Sara's other bestie, Sara. They go out together as Sara Squared or S2. They run marathons together, hang out while their dorky husbands play video games together, and twice a week, they sing karaoke together. Sara 1 has a beautiful voice. Sara 2 has an amazing, she should be on American Idol voice. (*Note: I found out later that she actually auditioned for Idol and they rejected her. Frankly, I think she was just too damn talented and everyone in America would've voted for her. Would have been unfair to ALL the other contestants. She's that good.)

Sara 1 sang Adele's Rolling in the Deep.
Sara 2 sang Adele's Someone Like You.

Good friends will take you out to the bar and let you cry into your French martini during a break up. Great friends will take you out, buy you shots of cake batter vodka, and sing songs about lying, cheating, bastards who never deserved you in the first place.

I have great friends.

As we were driving to the bar, I made the Sara's promise me one thing. They would not, under any circumstances, make me sing I Will Survive. I will not be the girl who breaks up with her boyfriend, gets drunk, and sings outdated, cliche crap in front of strangers. Will. Not.

I didn't have to. The minute Sara 2 sat down, this little old lady in cowgirl boots got up on the stage and sang it for me. Sara 1 dragged me to the floor and started dancing. I felt stupid. I felt vulnerable. I felt exposed. I was embarrassed. And that very moment, I decided not to care. I danced right along with her and it took almost til the end of the song to realize that I was, despite myself, having fun. We might have looked like idiots but we were laughing the whole time. Laughter is truly the very best medicine.

Still troubling me was the plain fact that I am not the world's best singer. Especially after both of the Sara's went, I was more nervous than ever. Yes, I belt out a ballad when I'm driving alone in my car, or sing along to the radio while I'm cleaning the apartment but that's not the same as singing in front of actual humans. Can't. Do. It.

Enter drunk man with words of encouragement.

His voice echoed in my head: You are braver than you give yourself credit for. You don't know anybody here. When you wake up tomorrow, will it matter that you got up and sang karaoke? Probably not. Will it matter if you didn't? Yes. Because you're letting your fears get the best of you. You are stronger than your fears. Come on, what have you got to lose? Nothing. Sometimes in life, you just have to smile and say Fuck It!!!

And that's when they called my name.



  1. That girl with the baseball bat...that's me.


  2. This is an amazing post!!! For various reasons ;)