Slow Down

Sadly, those 2 dates are all I have to go on now besides multiple chat conversations and a handful of text messages. Train guy has said he likes me more than he thought he could like anyone new. He invited me to dinner with his family on his birthday. He invited me out for drinks with his friends cause he is so excited for them to meet me. He's excited to double date with my couple friends. He wants to watch football with my dad and eat my mom's dinner I'm always raving about. He says that people at work look at him "like they look at someone when they know they're smitten." He mentioned his family cruise in July, you know, just in case we're still going out then and I might like to come. He agreed to accompany me to a wedding in August. And then he told me we need to slow down. 

Slow down? We've been on 2 dates! How much slower can we go???

And so that's where we are. At a dead stop. 

Date #2

Alright, so we're all caught up on Date #1...the kiss that melted me so much that I had to run away? Yes, well we're not doing that anymore. At this point, we simply cannot wait for another chance to see if a second date could possibly go as well as the first. Cause let's face it. Most of them can't. 

I try again for the Ciao Baby atmosphere, this time in Massapequa where I KNOW they haven't been burnt down by fire. This is a long drive for him from Manorville but he simply says "you're worth it." We meet and as soon as I'm out of the car, he wraps one arm around my waist and kisses me so that my heart flutters exactly as it did the week before. I am thrown a little off guard at this sign of affection after he admitted I was the only girl he'd kissed on a first date. (Hence he was extra wary of my running away!) Usually, he waits a while, forms a friendship, blah blah blah. My opinion is why waste all that extra time if someone's a crappy kisser? Find out and get it over with! But being the old-fashioned, gentleman that he is, this sentimental display is especially touching and I know it's only because he feels about me the way I feel about him. Which is really excited and a little scared!

Waiting at the bar for 20 minutes seems a routine part of dining out these days. He asks if he can order me a drink and I explain about my affinity for white wine since the tannins in red give me headaches. He grabs a White Zinfandel for me and a Corona with lime for himself and we're left to enjoy each other's company alongside the other couples stranded in this bar / waiting area. Finally, we are seated. He helps me out of my coat. He pulls out my chair. He's talkative, entertaining, actually listens to everything I say. Recalls past conversations and little details I've told him. Knows to tell the waitress I'm allergic to peppers. Makes me feel like in this crowded restaurant, I'm the only person who matters. Does not check out another woman's ass. Not even once! (Sorry, my expectations are still low from past relationships!) 

Dinner consists of a rice ball the size of a basketball filled with meat and cheese and topped with sauce. We each order a pasta and again share a dessert. Except this is no ordinary dessert. I order us the Volcano which is 14 scoops of ice cream, in a chocolate box, with walnuts, Oreo cookies, whipped cream, and yes more blueberries. He made so many ridiculous comments and jokes about this monstrosity they call dessert I could hardly breathe. My stomach literally hurt from laughing so hard and not from all the ice cream. We caused enough of a scene that 4 tables around us ordered the same dessert just to see what the big deal was. And despite a solid half hour of chomping through the sugary heaven, it looked like we hadn't made a dent. 

After picking up the tab (yet again) he walked me back to my car and kissed me very sweetly. This time, I did not run away. I held on tighter because I didn't want to let go. He'd been everything in a date I always imagined and then some. He was charming, kind, funny, and had arms I could snuggle into and safely tuck myself away until Spring. We drove home our separate ways, texting each other when we'd arrived (cause you know, we still can't call...) and I thought that this was just the beginning of the journey I was finally happy to be on.

Date #1

So it's been a while (yes, I know WAY too long) since y'all have gotten an update from me. And I must apologize for not "giving the people what they want" as one follower said. These messages are especially for the working mom who is "totally addicted to this blog" and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your devotion and kindness. I can only attempt to live up to your praise. So here goes...

First of all, I put the project on *pause* because as a certain friend cautioned me "What happens if you meet Number 5 and he's The One???" As it turns out, I had been thinking that Train Guy / Phonophobia could, in fact, be The One. How is this possible? Well, despite the self-proclaimed largeness of his head and his death fear of telecommunications, he makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has before. And I'm in improv comedy. This guy has had me in stitches from Day One. And according to a recent poll on Facebook (the source of all my news) 63% of women say they fell for their man not at first sight (7%) and not on the first kiss (30%) but the first time he made them laugh. Just goes to show, looks will fade, sex drive diminishes but we all want a partner who keeps us giggling like little school girls!

Anywho, we finally make a date to meet up for casual Italian and I think of Ciao Baby. Those of us on Long Island know that if you want family sized portions and Sinatra music, Ciao Baby is the place to go. Well, thank God I called ahead because apparently the Ciao Baby in Commack had fire and burnt down. This? This is my luck! Plan B involved Emilio's in Commack on Jericho Turnpike and I have to say, we couldn't have picked a better place. My dearest friend at work recommended it and I made her "Thank You" cookies cause the food was awesome, the ambiance was just what we needed, the waitress was friendly yet unobtrusive... we had an all around great time. It was the perfect start to our perfect first date. 

When dessert rolled around, I did the girl thing and asked if he wanted to share a few bites of something with me (preferably with whipped cream) and he admitted to never having a cannoli. I'll say that again. He NEVER had a cannoli?!?!?!?! Well we needed to remedy that situation immediately and thus 3 mini cannoli's were ordered and eaten. The dispute actually came when I informed him that blueberries are a misnomer. They are, in fact, purple. Thus leading to one of my quirks which is that I do not eat blue M&M's because there are no natural blue foods. He decided to pursue this ridiculous train of thought by smashing open all the blueberries on the dessert plate (garnishing our cannoli's of course) with the back of his spoon to prove their "blue-ness". The insides were yellow / white but he insisted the skins were blue and we agreed to disagree. Until a better method was devised for further inspection. Like a blueberry guillotine. Don't ask me why this cracked the two of us up beyond repair. But in his words "it's not a first date until somebody says Blueberry Guillotine."

We went on to play pool. I won the first two games, he won the second two games. We called it a tie. I, because I wanted another date for a rematch, and he, because his male pride couldn't have taken any more beating so early on in the relationship. I think he was just distracted by me bending over the table to take shots. Hence, I got to win a couple of rounds!

Deciding that neither one of us wanted the night to end by 10 pm, we figured on catching a movie. The only thing playing at the time we arrived at the theatre was New Moon which he had already seen. Yes you read that correctly. But he agreed to see the Twilight saga again since I hadn't gotten to check it out yet. When I asked him "Oh, so you're *that* guy?" he replied coolly, "No, I'm the guy who gets to wrap his arm around a cute girl for 2 hours. I don't care what's on the screen." Nicely played. 

By 1 am, it had dropped down to 23 degrees and we were both freezing as we crossed the parking lot to our cars. Letting them run for a few minutes allowed us to cuddle in the "do we / don't we" pre-kiss stage of the date. Well, we did and I had to pull away first. He must have thought he'd done something wrong or had garlic breath but I had to get out of there. In that kiss, my heart melted, my stomach dropped and I felt the first flutters of "You're gonna fall for him HARD. Get out before you get hurt." So I jumped in my car, raced home and kicked my own ass for not lingering another minute or two. It had been the perfect evening. The perfect kiss. I was terrified...

Phonophobia

Train guy has turned out to be even more interesting and more confusing than I could've imagined. He texts me during the day, signs in to chat with me at night and despite all this modern technology, makes me feel special and keeps me laughing all the time. But the never calling on the phone thing is weird. When consulting a highly trained group of professionals about the situation (read: my friends) they convince me he is married with children. Or in the witness protection program. Or gay. "Think about it. He can't answer the phone EVER. Because his wife is in the next room. Or you'll hear his kids in the background. Or the secret servicemen worry that you'll track down his actual location. Or he's gay." 

Of course, I call him. And of course he doesn't pick up. But he does call back in 2 minutes. I know, shock of all shocks! The worst part is, he sounds FINE! Tells me he's not married, not gay, has no children and cannot disclose whether or not he may be enlisted in the witness protection program as "they might be listening." Again, I'm laughing at the silliness of the whole thing when he tells me he feels like he's "going to hurl" and has to hang up. Phones make him nervous enough to puke! 

So I ask you, would you, could you, date someone that you couldn't speak to on the phone? Or is this just the tip of the crazy iceberg?

The Unusually Large Head

He got on at Jamaica station on the way to Penn. Asked politely if he could sit next to me. I nodded "of course" and went back to my book. He parked his slightly overweight self into the seat (a 3 seater, thank goodness) and I barely took notice. This is New York. We're used to confined spaces with complete weirdos. You're lucky to be on anything but the drunk express on Saturday night. Just pray to find a spot anywhere but the bathroom car. Have something to hide behind so no one talks to you. A book, a phone call, the newspaper, a paper-bag covered can of beer and a forlorn look on your face. Something that says "don't talk to me". But talk he did... there was no escape. I was pinned to that window seat for 42 minutes... possibly the best 42 minutes of my week!!!

It started with innocent admissions one could only tell a complete stranger. How we got onto the topic of him having an unusually large sized head is a blur, but that's where the conversation went. His inability to find a hat that fit well, how it affected the sports teams he had to root for because their head gear didn't fit him, how he wanted to dress up as the Mad Hatter for Halloween but even that costume was too small... He told one embarrassing story about himself after another and I have to say, I was captivated. His bad luck rivals my own and that says A LOT. He had me laughing so hard that my stomach actually hurt. I was a little sad when our train pulled in, I didn't want the fun to end. So I did what any girl would do, I gave him my number. He said he'd call and we parted ways. 

I got an email from him the next day saying that he was sorry but he told me he'd call because he couldn't actually call me for a fear of using the phone. Yes, an actual phobia of talking on the phone. (It's called phonophobia, look it up ... I did!) He was happy to text / email / facebook me but he can't talk because (are you ready for this?) he's "painfully shy and stutters a lot". This guy was practically a perfectly posed stand-up comic from Queens to Manhattan but if I called him he'd literally be sick to his stomach?!?! So we're friends on Facebook now and I will not be putting my book down on the train again EVER.

Cop Kisser

He's gorgeous. Creamy Irish skin, red Irish hair, intense blue Irish eyes ... and drunk as an Irish cop should be on a Saturday night. It's not exactly coffee, we're at the bar with a group of friends. Me, Cosmo's and him, Guinness (I know, big surprise!) He's flirty in a safe, sweet sort of way. After just getting out of a show, everyone is in a good mood and we make fleeting eye contact throughout the night. Never lingering too long. Not thinking anything of it. But as we stand to leave, I know he's thinking more and more about those looks. Those looks that said, I want to take you home with me tonight. 

Sadly, I am not that kind of girl. No matter how "bad ass" I try to be, I always fall back on my sweetly predictable good girl behavior. If he wants to see me, he can call me and set up a date on purpose. I am not denying major interest in this 6'1 (6'2???) police officer from the Bronx. He's funny and cute and in better shape than I will ever be. He walks me to Penn station and kisses me good night on every corner from 23rd street to 34th. I leave him my number and he calls it right away. Feeling ridiculously confident, I turn on my high-heeled shoe in the snow and saunter off to catch my train. It is only when I look at my phone that I realize his number came up "Private" and I have no way to call him back :-(

Maybe I should've just gone to the Bronx!!!

Republicans

Here's a winner for you...

An email exchange with "promising" cup delved into discussions about our mutual love of cooking and baking. We traded kitchen favorites. He asked what my secrets were to delicious cookies, brownies, etc. I said a little bit of vanilla and cinnamon (yes, even in chocolate chip cookies) really enhances the flavor. He then went off on a tyrade about how vanilla hasn't been a secret for centuries. "Even Republicans are using it now." I jokingly said that if Republicans were using it, I would stop immediately. He wrote back with the longest political rant I've ever seen including but not limited to: "People our age are all stupid when it comes to politics, nobody knows what's really going on." "You know your opinion doesn't matter, right?" "What is it with women and Obama?" 

Sadly, we will NOT be meeting for cookies and coffee in the near future. I intend in altering my recipes from now on... for both brownies and men.

Rejection Letters

First Round of Rejection Letters:

Some of these have proven to be more interesting than guys who actually have a prayer!

Dear Cups of Coffee, I saw your post and I realize that you're asking for guys ages 26 - 36. That being said, I am 44. But a young 44 if you can believe it. Please let me know if you're interested. 

Dear 44, Thank you but no, I'm not. 

Dear Cups of Coffee, I may be an epoch or two older than you but in my mind, age equals experience. I'm 59 and would love to meet up with you. Hey, it's just coffee, right?

Dear 59, You're older than my dad. Dude, that's gross. 

Dear Cups of Coffee, I read the four requirements of your post. I know you said ages 26 - 36, preferably white, straight and single. I am 22, Hispanic, mostly straight and mostly single. Would you consider me anyway?

Dear guy who obviously can't read or follow directions, Not So Much. 

Dear Cups of Coffee, you mentioned in your ad that you are 5'8. I'm writing because I'm 5'5 and most girls have a problem with that. I don't want to presume that you're that kind of girl. You know, a girl who would judge a guy because of his height. If you don't care that I'm 5'5 then I think you're a really good person and I'd like to get to know you better. But if you are that kind of girl and you want a tall guy then good luck to you. You bitch. Ok, hope to talk to you soon...

Dear 5'5, good luck to you too. And might I suggest a pair of heels for your dating future?

Cup # 1

He said he'd be here in 5 - 10 minutes so I excitedly purchase 1 peppermint hot chocolate for myself and 1 pumpkin spice latte for him. It's my first "official" coffee date and while I know I cannot afford double drinks every time, this occasion seems like a reason to celebrate so I splurge just a little. Not too much; got "tall" not "venti". Trying very hard not to project the future onto every man I go on a date with. Besides, this is just the beginning. I have 99 more cups to drink after this. Or do I??? Ok, must stop thinking this way *right now*. Although his mother is a wedding planner which would be awfully convenient...

Bad sign #1. He's a half hour late. Bad sign #2. I'm on the phone with my best friend and she asks what I think of him. I say he's really nice. She replies "that means you don't want to jump him." I come back with how sweet he is and generous and hard working and thoughtful. She says "you still don't want to jump him." I hate it when she's right. Still, I shall persevere.

He finally shows up, button down shirt, khaki pants, hair combed. He made an effort to be presentable, especially after I know he worked a 10 hour day doing landscaping and custodial work. He's gotta be 6'2 - 6'4 (I'm not great with the math) so he towers over me as we say hello. I adore tall men but he's got at least 100 pounds on me as well which makes him a walking refrigerator. I worry what I've gotten myself into already. 

And it's all down hill from there. Half of my drink had already been consumed in the wait time for him. He did not shut up for an entire hour. (I know, I'm surprised I lasted that long too.)

 And the topics of conversation included: 

A) how he never went to his prom because girls in his school were all skanky crack whores 

B) how I'm the only woman "with any class" who's ever taken him seriously / given him the time of day 

C) that even though he's hit his head lots of times and in fact has metal plates holding his skull together resulting in mild memory loss, he is not *actually* mentally retarded despite being labelled as "learning disabled" in school but it only affects reading which he's not so good at anyway

D) how he is currently in a bit of debt but don't worry, "the lawyers are almost paid off" 

E) that his DUI probation should end soon as he's been on good behavior but if I want to drink on a date "we can always go to another state, cause they don't check up on that" and finally

F) that's he's 26 and still waiting for the right woman to come along (and yes this means he is a virgin)...

Am I seriously supposed to survive 99 more of these nightmares???

My first entry

Welcome to my blog. In this space, I will recount the tales of a single girl's attempt at finding happiness through dating. Not just any dating. 100 cups of coffee with 100 different men. I have challenged myself to sort through a giant pile of NO's in the hopes of finding one really amazing YES! Wish me luck!!!